Humbleness and Endurance
My BFFL Gillian, who also tore her ACL, told me the recovery process would be very humbling. Yes, yes, I listened.
And of course there were some humbling moments in there. Being taken care of (thanks, mom) is always humbling. Like when I not only sent her running for a barf bag, but then needed help sitting up to barf, and then because the bag had a hole in it, watching her clean up the drips. Barf drips. That woman loves me.
Or not showering for several days after surgery (grody) and then when I did have a shower, the standing up and maybe the steam got to me and when I got out, I collapsed on my bed and my mom had to help me regain energy. Not even having the energy to reach down and adjust my towel so that I was slightly more decent while my mom tried to find me clothes in my closet- that's pretty humbling.
Or the first time at physiotherapy, when I wasn't even able to do a single half squat because my leg just didn't have the strength... okay, that wasn't humbling. That was straight up embarrassing.
However, I don't really think I was TRULY humbled through it all. And now I'm no longer a post-surgery recovery girl. I can't play the "just had surgery" card anymore. I'm just a regular person who has a knee that hurts every so often.
I've started up with my swim coach again. That guy is the best. Other people in the session are all really good swimmers. Lots of Ironmen triathletes, a few ex-varsity swimmers, and one synchro girl. In the best of times (read: two good legs) I'd still probably be the worst swimmer among them, but since I'm not allowed to flutter kick yet (until January 31st) and therefore I'm only using my arms, I'm the slowest BY FAR.
In therapy we've been talking a lot about endurance, and what that term really means. I've always been a long distance athlete but I lost all my fitness over the past few months, since I wasn't allowed to work out for so long. My first therapy session since moving back to Waterloo started well enough, but as soon as I mentioned my knee I just started crying and crying. My surgery was almost 3 months ago, and I didn't even realize I was sad about it. But really, it is a loss. I went from arguably the best shape of my life (end of triathlon season, all summer spent lifting weights and long bike rides and hard swims) to what is definitely the worst shape of my life (I have never gone this long without running in my entire life). And now, starting over, as a very out of shape person, is really frustrating. It's like all my work last summer is just wasted effort.
But, as I've realized, endurance isn't about running far and fast. It's about not stopping. It's not about crossing the finish line first, it's about crossing the finish line. It's about persistence, determination, tenacity, and not looking back. It's about moving to the side to let other swimmers pass you, and then kicking off the wall and doing another lap. And endurance is definitely about being humbled.
8 comments:
Cheers to your tenacity. Getting back up after a big fall is always hard, but you seem to be up to the challenge.
hey it's hard to get everything back to normal. i severed 2.5 tendons in my right hand. being right handed, it was hard not using my right hand for 6 months. it took 2 yrs to get things back to normal. it's hard but it's also humbling.
and your right about distance running, it's not about finishing first or fast, it's about crossing the finish line. i'm going to run my first marathon this year. i'll offer up my nervousness and pain for you
I'm so happy you're allowed back in the water again. Just think about how incredibly strong your arms are going to be after all this arm only training. (don't pull buoys suck?) You are going to be 20312309 times more proud of yourself after this year's first race than ever before - and you'll have earned it! Tears and all.
I cannot even imagine how hard this must be for you. Just keep swimming, hehe, you know?
You, my dear, are hardcore. To the max. Props to you for pushing through!
My dad was humbled several years ago after a snowmobile accident that nearly took his life - for several months he was eating through a straw and sleeping in a hospital bed in our living room. Recoveries are hard, I could see that firsthand. You'll be stronger for having been through this!
You CAN play the surgery card, because it's not just that your knee hurts sometimes, it's that you're still not allowed to do certain things and you have to build your fitness levels back up. But I think part of endurance is that you aren't even trying to play that card. You are awesome.
I just sprained my knee, and just that incapacitation has shown me how out of shape I am. I can only imagine what a full immobility will do to your psyche. Thanks for sharing.
What a great, honest post. Thanks for sharing Lisa!
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