Oh, surgery nostalgia

My mom emailed me this picture a few days ago:I've had surgery twice before. Listen, hernias aren't just for old men, okay? The angelic blond you see above is yours truly, age 8, post op.

The first time I got surgery I was 7 years old. General anesthesia, just a quick little sew up of the opening in my abdomen muscle above my belly button. In the recovery room I was all "MOM, CHECK OUT THAT LADY" while my mom was all "hush, darling, you need to rest". That's a total lie. If my mom has ever called me darling it was sarcastic. And if she's ever said hush its because she's reading Goodnight Moon. But that surgery was a good experience. I got lots of attention and love post surgery. It was great.

Then that hernia re-opened (man, I really must have done lots of heavy lifting as a youngster) so I had to go back for seconds. This time stronger things (stronger what? I don't know, stronger things) were used and I took it a lot rougher. When I woke up in recovery my mom was all "LISE, CHECK OUT THAT LADY" and I vomited into a kidney shaped blue barf receptacle. It was an awful time and I couldn't sit up straight for a week, plus nobody bought me lollipops because I was a such a sport the year before. (lesson learned: complain more)

My mom arrives in Texas in 2 hours. Man, I can't wait to see that woman. I haven't seen her since August! I think this is the longest I've ever gone without seeing her. She's going to make lasagna (can somebody smell another cooking post?) and chicken pot pie. What else could anybody ask for, really, am I right?

I freak out all the time. I majorly freaked out earlier today when my stupid insurance people said I wasn't approved for my stupid surgery tomorrow because of some stupid interpretation of some stupid wording on a stupid report. (Thanks Bri for being a good freak out calm down friend) (Also don't worry, I got it all sorted out. I like fighting with words!)

But when my mom or my family are around, I rarely freak out. Instead we make jokes and end up laughing inappropriately, interrupting the doctor or the priest or the police officer, etc. Not just "we'll laugh about this after" but actually during the moment. Car got locked in a parking garage? COMEDY GOLD! Sometimes my family makes comic books out of hugely stressful trips to the emergency room. (Laura, reason #one million why I miss you so much is because I am reduced to tears way less frequently when we live together. I love you to the moon and back. Please can we live together again? Forget your husband. Choose me instead)

What I'm saying is that tomorrow, my surgery date, is going to be hilarious good times even if I barf in a blue kidney. Plus, Laura sent me a spooky package (decorated with pumpkins!) that I'm not allowed to open until tomorrow. EXCITED! Plus, Gillian sent me a gift certificate for a massage. EXCITED! Plus, my other sister Lindsay sent me something that arrives on Monday. EXCITED! Plus, if I'm bed ridden for a while that's okay because I got some good books from the library yesterday. EXCITED! Plus, my work is sending me a fruit basket. EXCITED!

Every day should be surgery day!

(Ps, yes, that is a Mt. Whistler sweater!)

Carefree in the Kitchen: Quinoa Salad

(Yes, why NOT blog about the things I cook. I am a lazy chef and a picky eater. If I can make and eat these things, anyone can)Quick description: it's like salad I guess, but instead of lettuce you have quinoa (which is like rice but has super high amounts of protein and fibre).

Level of effort: You can do it while watching Gossip Girl
Level of health: High, especially if you don't skimp out on vegetables
Level of tastiness: It's no ice cream sandwich, but then again its not made with ice cream

First things first: it's pronounced keen-wa. You're going to have trouble finding it so when you're asking at your grocery store you don't want to sound like a moron. Quinoa=keenwa. Don't ask me why. Make sure to get the pre-rinsed stuff, because rinsing the stuff yourself is a hassle and I never do it well enough (it tastes bitter if its not rinsed). Most quinoa is white, but I'm using red today because it's higher in fibre.

Cooking directions call for a 1:2 quinoa:water ratio. Some people I know use vegetable broth instead of water but what do I look like, Martha Stewart? What even is vegetable broth? Who cares.

Oh great, are we going to need a measuring cup? NO. Measuring cups are for babies. We're going to use the old "finger line" trick. Put some quinoa in a mug and put your finger at the fill line. Dump that in a pot, keeping your finger on the fill line. Then get lazy, forget the finger idea, and just approximate what double looks like. Works every time.

Quinoa expands when cooked to around 4 times its original volume. In this mug I've got enough for my dinner tonight and my lunch for tomorrow, if you'll believe it! Which you will because I've never done anything to abuse your trust.Okay so put your 1:2 in the pot, put a lid on it, and turn the stove top onto a mid-high heat. While that heats up, start cutting vegetables. Here, I'm using: peppers, carrots, sugar snap peas, cucumber, celery, and most importantly, cilantro.Once the quinoa starts boiling, turn it down a lower level but keep the lid on. Check a clock because in 15 minutes those bad boys are going to be ready. Actually, forget clocks. Clocks are for babies, too. Here's what not ready quinoa looks like:Here's what ready quinoa looks like:See the white rim? And slightly translucent visible innards? Also, it shouldn't be too crunchy. I've never overcooked quinoa but I'm sure it's possible. It would probably get mushy. Just keep an eye on it, okay?

So finish chopping your vegetables and then mix up some dressing. Just 50/50 on olive oil and lemon juice. Mix well because check out how heterogenous these 2 pals are:
What? A tupperware? Yeah, not all of us have cups with lids or whatever the food network is telling you to use. So put your stuff in a tupperware that doesn't leak, shake it up, and voila, you are a dressing maker! We're later going to use this tupperware to store our leftovers for lunch because putting things in the dishwasher is more effort than we're willing to exert.

Okay so your quinoa is ready, your dressing is made, and your vegetables are chopped. Either let the quinoa cool to room temperature or get lazy and put it in the freezer because this salad isn't meant to be hot. Alright, take it out before it freezes. Now mix everything together and enjoy!

Wait, no meat? No quinoa is proteinlicious. Shake it off, you t-rex.

Getting my life on track: eating edition

A simple flow chart:

Halloween is coming --> Stores stock bags of chocolate bars in prominent locations --> I can't help it! I buy chocolate bars --> I eat so many --> I suffer the consequences (slight weight gain, zany energy levels, BAD SKIN) --> I decide to go on a health kick.

Let's get real here. I am not a very orderly eater. I love food SO MUCH. And yeah, I know, who doesn't love food. But I mean, I appreciate the stuff. I have much self discipline in other areas of my life (school work, triathlon training) but when it comes to food I can't control myself.

Example: My roommate and I each got a large pizza for dinner on Saturday night, thinking we could wrap most of it up and take it in for lunch this week. Guess how many pieces I ate? 7/8. And the reason I didn't eat that last one was because I was starting to feel nauseous. Like I had to drink a ginger ale and rub my belly for about an hour while watching 30 Rock. And it was that episode where Liz Lemon confesses all her weird habits to Floyd (because she snuck into an AA meeting by accident and heard him confess all his weird things) and she's like "I had 3 donuts today. No I lied, I had 5" and I was like PSH. FIVE. WHO EATS FIVE DONUTS IN ONE MORNING. Because the fact of the matter is that somebody brought donuts into the office last Friday and I only ate four of them.

And for the past month or so, I've allowed myself to eat ice cream when I get home from work. And then I'm too full for dinner so I just don't eat dinner. (Dear self, aged 8: YES. ICE CREAM FOR DINNER. Being an adult is totally the best.)

In addition to the fact that I really, really should be cutting down on sweets (especially since I can't go running for a month after my surgery. And especially because have you seen the state of my face? Like 6 big zits including these two embarrassingly symmetric ones on either side of my chin) I also ought to really be consuming more health food.

I don't cook meat because it grosses me out (exception: pre-cooked, breaded chicken fingers! Yum yum yum!). I have a few meals that I do cook that are mostly variations of stir fried vegetables (with pasta and tomato sauce! With quinoa and balsamic sauce! With scrambled eggs and salsa!) but mostly I eat canned soup. Or Ramen noodles. Sometimes I munch on baby carrots as an after thought.

Other than an apple packed for lunch at work, I sometimes don't eat any vegetables all day. Which is a shame because I LIKE vegetables. I just like them less than ice cream.

I need to make some rules for myself.

1. Cut down on sweets. This means:

• No more buying Halloween chocolate. What? Yes. Finish the Reese's PB Cups you've already got but savour them well because that is all you're getting.
  
• Fine, you can still eat ice cream. But never before dinner. And put it in a mug not a bowl because when you use a bowl you make huge helpings. Seriously.
• It would be unrealistic to hope that you'd be able to not eat things that people bring into the work kitchen. But cut it down. This morning was 2 cookies and cinnamon bun thing. Next time how about 1 cookie and the smallest CB, okay?
  

2. Stop eating when you are full. This means:

• Portions in Texas are larger. When you go out to eat, stop at 70% (because if there's less than 30% left you can't really ask to take it home)
• On average males eat more than females, and since 100% of the people you cavort with these days are male, you're eating their food amounts. Stop matching them.
• Honestly, eating 7/8ths of a large pizza is gross. Next time wrap up left overs so that they actually are left overs. If you don't wrap things up right away, you'll keep snacking. And then you'll feel like vomiting. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
  

3. Increase consumption of things that are nutritious. This means:

• Drinking water, not diet coke (That 32 pack was rationed to last until the end of November, you quaffer. Water is delicious. I know that running the tap takes a long time to get cold. Either learn to wait those 30 seconds or get an ice cube tray or something. Wait, you have an ice cube tray. Problem solved, lazyface) (What? Lazyface? Oooh, burn) (And a belated ooh, burn, on "quaffer")
• Eating 5 different fruits and vegetables a day. I know, there was a time when you tried to do 5 differently coloured Fs and Vs a day. But that time is in the past. It was too hard. Be reasonable. Five a day is easy.
• If you don't have fibrelicious cereal for breakfast (Mini Wheats 4 L, seriously) then PROMISE ME you'll eat lots of whole grains through out the rest of the day, okay?
  

Okay so there we go. Nine new rules. Let's see if I can follow these until Thanksgiving (yeah right like I can follow eating rules during Thanksgiving). That's exactly one month. OKAY GO.

(Ps. What are some good recipe websites that will teach me how to cook things that aren't gross?)

Chillest Surgery Ever

I met with my surgeon yesterday to talk about my upcoming knee surgery.

Man, that guy was so chilled out. We talked about Toronto Island for more time than we talked about the surgery. And when we did talk about the surgery he was incredibly nonchalant and all, "oh yeah. Come in in the morning, 35-40 minute surgery, and you'll be out by lunch."

This guy was aloof. Serene. We talked offhandedly about how they're going to core a piece of my tibia bone out, put some hamstring down that hole, and then stuff the tibia piece back in there. Faster healing time or whatevskies. Whatevskies indeed. Beer me.

Dr. Schmidt? More like Dr. Imperturbable.

My surgery date is next Friday, on Halloween (got any costume ideas that incorporate crutches and a bloody knee? You know where to send 'em) and he said I'll be off crutches in a week, able to bike and swim after 2 weeks, and able to start running in a month!

My mom is flying down on the 30th and she's probably going to make me delicious homemade lasagna. Plus both my older sisters said they're going to send me surgery presents.

MAN. Tearing my acl is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

20sb Vlog Day

Sooooo, I felt a little bit like Gabe when he did that Vlog Challenge, i.e., I felt like a total dork. But here it is anyway, my participation in 20sb's video log day.


Vlog Day from Lisa on Vimeo.

More about 20sb's vlog day.
More about 20sb.

(Hey ps Steph, who gave me that headband? I forget! What? Just K, I remember. It was you. lolz. And it's a great one)

Official commencement of surgery freakout

Editors Note: This blog is probably going to be shifting over for a few weeks from "Lisa's life" to "Lisa's knee."

Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon to talk about things. When I scheduled this appointment, I was pretty chilled out about the whole thing. Sure, talk about things. I imagined it would be like this:

Doctor: So, we'll put you under. Aaand then you'll wake up. Aaad then you'll lie in the recovery room probably eating a popsicle. Aaand then you might not be able to walk for a few days so that'll be a good time to get all caught up on Mad Men. And questions?

Me: Can we make that TWO popsicles?

Doctor: [laughs] Oh Lisa. Of course! And a bowl of ice cream.

Unfortunately it seems like it might not all be so simple. For starters, when you go under anesthesia you can't eat for like 12 hours before hand. That's going to suck. Oh, speaking of general anesthesia? You have to choose spinal, general, or epidural. Holy cats, I don't know!

Another choice is if I want my new ligament to come from my own hamstring or a cadaver. I'm actually about to faint just even typing that choice. Ew cadavers. Ew my own hamstring. Ew bodies. Grody grody grody.

NO THIS PART IS GRODY: they put screws in there! And this girl I know had one that she could feel through her skin and sometimes she cut herself shaving. On a screw in her leg. Gross me out of town. Vomitrocious. Barf-a-roni. (My lexicon is huge in the slang-synonyms-for-gross department.)

I'm sure my surgeon is going to be a smart girl/guy who knows what they're doing and will help me make good, informed decisions. But it's scary. Things go wrong and even if everything goes right you still have to do rehab and you can't run for a few months and some people say when it's cold they can feel it. Hello, I usually live in Canada. I don't really want something to hurt when it's cold outside.

Hey bee-tee-dubs, check out this hilarity.Yes, the leg brace is officially part of my tan.

My mom is flying to Texas (where I am now) so that I don't get surgery alone in a foreign country. But some people have said they only waited 2 or 3 days after meeting with their surgeon. SO THIS COULD BE LIKE, THIS WEEK.

</freakout>

Book Reviews: He's a Stud, She's a Slut

I'm a huge fan of feministing.com and since I have an amazon prime account (thanks, Gillian!) I thought He's a Stud, She's a Slut and 49 Other Double Standards That Every Woman Should Know by Feministing's Jessica Valenti would be a good purchase.

I really like Jessica's writing. Actually, I really like Jessica. She's sort of tomboy-chic or something. She's delightful feisty and pretty darn sassy. Sometimes I think she gets a little bit too sarcastic (especially I think she over does it on the "how charming." type humour) but mostly she cracks me up, and semi-more importantly, riles me up and makes me think.

I bought this book in hopes that it would make me feel a bit more affirmed. I feel like I'm always being told to shake it off, chill out. He didn't mean to be offensive. Take it easy. That's only one way of interpreting it. Pick your battles. And hearing that all the time just gets old. So I guess I bought this book to encourage myself to stand up a little louder next time even if everybody else is still in their seats.

And I was totally not let down. Even the basic stuff (like the chapters "he's manly, she's a sasquatch" or "he's childless, she's selfish") that can sometimes get all "I know, I know" was written in just such a fun way. She provided pithy facts so that next time say, wage discrepancies comes up, I'll have some cold hard numbers to back myself up. I underlined things from almost all of the 50 chapters. Sometimes I underlined like, the whole chapter. (Best one: "he's a hero, she's a damsel")

At the end of every chapter, Jessica gives a "So... what to do?" of things we should do to combat the double standard. Most of the time it was like "okay, I'm kind of already doing that" and a few times it was like "oh, good idea" but one time... well, it was the chapter on how the media targets female celebrities. Blah blah how terrible is that, etc. Many of my feminist friends have picked a bone with me over my love of celebrity gossip (usually ending with me getting really defensive and all, "I DO IT OUT OF LOVE. JENNIFER GARNER AND BEN FOREVA. ALSO, HOLLA HOLLA KRISTEN BELL") but I am addicted to that stuff so I keep on reading. But Jessica provided a bunch of good points and then in her "So... what to do" section told me I have to stop reading celeb gossip. "WUT. NO WAY." I said decisively. "Yes way," the book said back. "K FINE" I cried and on the spot removed ALL (except Jezebel because that doesn't all the way count, right?) my celeb gossip book marks from my tool bar. WOWIE. And I haven't looked back since, really. (Kind of. I still browse US Weekly when I'm at Borders but come on.)

So what I'm saying is that you should really get this book. You can read the first chapter and a half and see the full chapter listing on amazon. It's like $11. I really recommend it. I'm definitely going to buy her other book (soon to be books plural) but first I have to finish a bunch of other books I bought on sale that I haven't read yet. (Slaughter House Five. It's a hard one to start, you know?)

[Rating out of a hundred just for Peter: 93/100]

Mission: Put Together (so far)

Uggggh so I just got off the phone with my doctor. The results from my MRI are in and big news! Not only a torn acl but a torn medial meniscus, wudeva that is. Next up: surgery!

Onto news that is more fun. Have you been participating in Mission: Put Together? It's super fun. I def feel pretty lame taking a selfie every day, but I love web communities, you know? Plus clothes are kind of fun if you think about it.

Results so far:(larger) (more info)(larger)(more info)(larger)(more info)

An update on the knee

Oh man, so first, I guess, the knee (ps. I keep wanting to say "le" instead of "the"... remember how that was cool in approximately grade 10? When did it stop being cool and more importantly, WHY.)

I went to the ER on Monday and it wasn't as petrifying as that time I went when I lived in NY. Everyone was super nice and it was really quick and only slightly inefficient. I hate inefficient systems. Between nurse and doctor the insurance man came by and got all my info... no sweat! That was good because I basically just have a bunch of forms in my hand. They ask questions. I shrug and hold the forms out a bit higher. Deductibles? I don't know. Call ... my insurance? (Background info: I'm Canadian. Needing insurance is literally foreign.)

They did some x-rays and said "that sure looks swollen" and told me to see a specialist. Then they gave me crutches and an embarrasingly large knee brace to stop my leg from bending.

Okay, so making an appointment with the specialist. This is when things got weird. Getting preapproval with my insurance involved lots of phone calls, lots of faxing, and a one time minor cry from me. It's so frustrating! My insurance told me to go anywhere, but nobody has heard of my insurance so the doctor's offices kept on saying they didn't take it. YES YOU DO.

Anyway it all got sorted out, I got to the doctor who told me I probably tore my acl. Shucks! I'm getting an MRI tomorrow morning at 8am. Yikes! I hope it goes well.

But... it might also be gout.

Hey what the heck! This post is time stamped at an ungodly 2:39am. That can't be accurate... or can it?

Good morning judges, teachers, parents, and fellow students. I am up this early to blog to you about my knee.

Yesterday I joined a soccer team. "What fun!" you shout. "How harmless!" you cheer. "Friendship potential!" you encourage. Wrong. I had only been playing for about 20 minutes and had hardly touched the ball when this big guy collided with me HARD.

Freaders, I have this issue? With going down in soccer? I have this issue with wanting to look tough... you know how it is, am I right? In my 17 years of playing the sport I have gone down 3 times: once when my overly competitive coach told me to fake having asthma so he could switch in the girl who was really good at penalty kicks (I was 10 years old and it was overtime in the Ontario Cup semifinals. Still, lying, Joe? Telling a 10 year old to lie about a lung condition? Pretty lame) and also when I broke my nose, and also this one time when both my calves just gave out and I couldn't unbend my knees for a few hours.

So of course I was all, "hey, no sweat. I'll just... butt-shimmy off the field here. Make a quick substitution. Oh yeah, yeah I'm fine" because I wanted my new teammates to respect me and my inability to ask for help. So with a little bit of rolling and a bit of snake-like movement I made it the 2 meters to the side lines but then discovered that I was unable to put any weight on my right leg at all, so I had to ask this guy I just met to help me support my weight and make it over to the bench. How embarrassing!

Oh and then people's moms (ps. being in your 20s and your mom still comes to all your soccer games. Great or kind of lame?) were all "here's some ice" and "do you want some juice?" (Yes and Yes, ladies!) and I sat out the rest of the game.

And you know, I thought I was fine. A text message from a friend asking how my knee was doing was replied with a quick "fine fine fine." Lots of ice. Lots of watching 30 rock. And to bed I went, thinking the last bits of pain would probably be gone by morning.

Bzzt. Wrong-o! I woke up about an hour ago in the most excruciating pain of my life. I think it compares with child birth, at least. It took me about half an hour to be able to get up and hop/drag my leg to the kitchen to take a few Advils and get some more ice. And then of course... a good log into web mb.

The number one possible condition is an ACL injury which would be stupid. Don't you have to get surgery? Then again it's also telling me it might be gout (really guys?) or patellofemoral pain syndrome (I meet every symptom and I've had this my whole life... I didn't think this was a syndrome. You mean other people's knees DON'T wiggle, pop, and cry every time they kneel?), septic arthritis (that sounds like a bathroom joke), dislocated knee, PCL injury, bursitis, chrondomallacia patella, sickle cell crisis (sickles? Or galleons. Harry Potter jokes, anybody?) or this whole other huge long list of words that I've never heard of.

And while I realize that this is probably going to end up being a "Lise. It's just a bruise. Chill out" I'm still definitely not chilled out right now. I want it to not be the middle of the night so I can call somebody and ask what to do. Should I go to a doctor? Tomorrow or right now? I want my ice bag to not be leaking all over my bed. I want to be within driving distance of my mom and/or dad so they can be here if I want/need them. I want to be in Canada because even though I'm insured, American medical facilities really scare me. I don't understand protocol. I'm also a little bit hungry, so I wish the kitchen wasn't quite so far. I don't think I'm up for a second trip. Can I still call Telehealth Ontario? I think I'll try. I feel sort of scared and alone right now.

So, because I had to stay up a little bit to ice this bad boy before I try to fall back asleep again, I thought I'd post to feel a little less alone right now. Even though I won't get to read your comments saying "see a doctor!" and "kiss kiss!" and "rest, ice, compression, elevation!" won't come until a few hours from now, it still feels proactively good to be listened to. In a few hours it will be reasonable to call home and ask my dad what to do (HE ALWAYS KNOWS), but until then I thought I'd crank out one last post in case I die. From a knee injury. (Web MD... you play to all my hypochondriac tendencies.)

Edit: okay, it's the morning, and it's much better after I've walked it off for a bit. Plus I may or may not have had like 4 more Advils. It's tolerable... but I'm worried because it hurts on multiple sides of my knee, not just the side I landed on. Plus I do occasional physical labor for my job (including tomorrow) and I was supposed to go on a wondrously fun camping trip this coming weekend. Let's say tomorrow. Tomorrow if not better, then doc-doc? Deal.

The truth about Texas

I'm often trying my best to regale you, gentle freader, with happy or hilarious stories of Texas.

"Look at what a fun time I'm having," my posts say between the lines. "New experiences are exciting!"

But really, I've only made one friend, and he's from work so does that even still count? Being so far away from everything and everybody I love starts feelings pretty lonely and isolating. Sometimes I feel like the emails I send to people back home sound like "I need a friend I need a friend I need a friend." and the replies are like "well... okay, but I've kind of already got lots of friends HERE... we can continue to send casual and infrequent emails until you return, how about? And when you get back we'll be real friends again."

And while I DO have lots of besties that I feel I still communicate well with, even over distance (including the ultimate long distance tri-friend-rangle of OtherLisa-Meags-Me) there's a difference between having friends you can call up or email to update them on how work is going and having friends that you can just split a tub of Ben and Jerry's with while lying on their bed watching Josie and the Pussycats. Because you know what, splitting a tub of B&J only works when you have somebody to split it with, am I right?

Laura, I miss watching Heroes with you SO MUCH. We watched EVERY SINGLE episode of season 1 and 2 together and now its Season 3 I have nobody to gasp with when we find out who Sylar's real mother is! Unless I watch with my roommate who has never watched before, and then it goes like this. Pause. "HRG is Clare's dad." Unpause. Pause. "Not her real dad, she's adopted." Unpause. Pause. "It means Horn Rimmed Glasses." Unpause. Pause. "He's a good guy." Unpause. Pause. "Well, that's subjective." Unpause.

I have not much patience for people whose complaints are not followed by action items, so here are mine:

• join that soccer team you were going to join
• go to that concert you were going to go to
• gchat laura while watching heroes so you can gchat gasp together
• put Ben and Jerry's in a bowl, so that there is an end point. Otherwise yeah, you'll eat the whole thing
• go to that "new in town?" thing from meetup.com even though it looks hella lame