Pretty Bad vs The Worst
I wrote a seriously huge post that basically can be boiled down to the following two points:
1. My right quad muscle has really atrophied since my surgery two weeks ago. It is visibly smaller and way weaker than the left quad. My quads are my favourite muscle because I built them myself through lots and lots of hard work. It is very humbling to not even be able to do a single air squat now without holding onto a bar for support. Very humbling.
2. My insurance isn’t covering my physiotherapy, which means I have to choose between spending about $2000 of my own money on fixing my leg, or hoping that it’ll be okay to wait for a month and a half until I get back to Canada (where it will be free). Except for that it really won’t be okay to wait until I get back. So I’m going to see if my PT will be okay with me coming in twice a week instead of thrice, and maybe try to focus on learning exercises that I can do myself at home without any equipment. But losing that much money just really bites, adding to the misery of having ACL surgery.
But then I couldn’t post it. I used the phrase “the worst” like twenty times. I know that in general, I use that phrase pretty liberally but while proof reading my post I just was annoyed with myself and how much like sucky baby I was sounding.
I guess my negativity was probably brought on by the fact that today there was a local marathon that I had looked up and decided I wanted to do back in May, before I even got the job here in San Antonio. Those plans were thwarted long before the ACL injury, due a back injury brought on by over twisting my hips because I my legs are different lengths. And then I got all “why can't I just have a body that works?” and I think of all the people with legs of equal length who aren’t running and I start feeling bitter towards them. It feels so unfair.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I’m young, and I’m healthy, and I’m recovering, and though physio is expensive I have the luxury of being able to afford it. And I have two legs and I have insurance and I have a comfortable life that allows me time to go to the gym and money to afford swimming lessons and bike shorts. And I don’t even have asthma, and I don’t even need glasses, and my only allergies are ones I’ve made up (I say I’m allergic to fish but really I just don’t like it, and I say I’m allergic to penicillin but really it just gives me really bad diarrhea). Sometimes I just want to punch myself for being such a whiner.
Oh geez, and now I’m rolling my eyes at myself, kind of like “stop trying to sound selfless, assface.” But also... weak leg and no money: the worst.
9 comments:
Oh that sucks, especially when you are so active and you can't use your body the way you want to.
And as for your legs of different lengths...have you considered putting lifts in one of your shoes? You'll be super cool with those orthopedics after all.
You're allowed to have a pity party sometimes. Cause that all really sucks. As long as you can say, "ok, I'm over, lets move on" after. It's so strange to have to worry about paying for healthcare. That sucks hard.
DoK, I DEF have orthopedics. With lifts, and weird curves to correct my gait, and all sorts of things for all sorts of foot problems. The problem is that the lift only fits in certain shoes (example: doesn't work in sandals or heels or most of my flats).
i am a very firm believer in the fact that just because others have it WORSE doesn't mean i don't get to complain about stuff that sucks for ME :-)
i deeffffinitely recommend getting into PT now instead of waiting. despite our sucky method of having to pay for it.
ps from the last post: i totally love the way raw beef smells when it cooks! i have to stop myself from sneaking little half-cooked bits from the pan. am weird.
So you have a normal leg and a mutant leg? Is that what you're saying? B/c while I'm sure that's disappointing for you, and that sucks. Look on the bright side, if all else fails, what with the engineering degree and all, you can always run off and join the circus! :)
This sounds very similar to something that Kat is going through, just having had knee surgery.
I think it's a total load of crap that you've got to pay SO much friggin' $$ to get help, too. Our health care system is LAME.
Ugh--that is not fun at all. I'm sorry you have to deal with the health care system in SA. Have you tried telling them that you're a college student? Sometimes they'll give discounts if you're not covered under insurance. That worked for me once because my plan didn't cover some procedure. They knocked off like half of the price. Good luck!
Oh, and I saw on Distractible Jane's that you'd like to come to a meetup in Austin...let's see if we can make that happen pretty soon!
I know what it's like to be a full blown athlete and then have to deal with the fact that no matter how much drive you have inside of you, your body inhibits you from doing what you love.
It sucks, I hope that whichever you choose, it gets better.
The most frustrating thing in the world for me is not being able to do what I want due to physical impairment. Whine away girl.
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