Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world

The first time somebody told me they were going to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said, "How hilarious and original! Ha! Have so much fun!"

The second time somebody told me they were going to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said, "Have fun!"

The third time somebody told me they were going to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said, "Okay."

The fourth time somebody told me they were going to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said, "again?"

The fifth time somebody told me they were going to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said, "LAME."

So when my BFF (who I was visiting for the weekend) suggested we go to a retro 80's prom themed dance, I said "God, no" in my head, but "Okay! What fun!" aloud.

Know this, reader: I HATE DANCING AT BARS. Hate. Do not enjoy. Name something, anything. Yes, I would rather do that.

But I love my friends, so I borrowed a dress and some shoes and straightened my hair and pre-drank appropriately. (Important fact for later: I had the equivalent of 2 drinks before hand)

The bar was on campus at a university that we do not attend, so we had to make random friends in line and ask them to sign us in as their guest. (People were surprisingly obliging!) We hit the dance floor and after about 5 second I say, "I am definitely not drunk enough to do this" so BFF and I get another drink.

This inebriates me sufficiently to be able to refrain from rolling my eyes at all the overly make upped girls taking from-above selfies of themselves making identical puckered lips faces at the camera. In fact, I start to get really into the people watching. As per usual, I do my statistical demographic analysis of the crowd (80% female, 90% white, 50% probably underage), and discover the gentle fulfillment that comes from watching groups of drunks guys try to pick up groups of drunk girls. My friends are making fun of me for the way I start wander-dancing.

I'm actually not having a bad time! Dancing is 300% more enjoyable when you know the songs (REM = way better than the latest Rihanna knock off) (Ra-ra-rasputin!) and so I find myself bouncily plié-ing (I can't spell ballet words) along to hits like Living on a Prayer, or that song from Dirty Dancing. Retro 80's is the BEST IDEA EVER.

In fact, one more drink and I'm "oooh I love this song"-ing my friends back onto the dance floor for Summer Nights from Grease. I am getting seriously into this. I am having a good time! I am having a great time! I love dancing!

Next thing you know "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey starts blasting. Are you kidding me? This is a great song. I'm feeling it so hard. I'm sort of swaying (enjoying the feeling of my long pony tail swishing against my back), moving my arms as if I was wiping crumbs off of a chest-high counter top.

Tap Tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me, can you come here for a second?" It's security. "Sure, what can I help you with?" I ask. He seems taken aback by my alertness.

I thought he was just another poor sap thinking it might be worth his time to flirt with me. Another of my friends later says that she thought he was informing me that I had been chosen as Prom Queen.

"Uh, you're too drunk, you have to go home" he stammers.

Reader, let me promise you from the depths of my heart (and by the proof of my drink count: 4 over the course of 4 hours) that I was not drunk. I was admittedly enjoying the buzz, and was maybe one drink away from taking the plunge, but I was definitely in control. There was no way I was hazarding myself or anybody else.

"Why do you think I'm too drunk?" is the best I can come up with.

"Because you're dancing like you're drunk" he points out. (Great. Just because I display original panache, I'm drunk? This reminds me of the time the rescue canoe came to save me during the swim portion of a triathlon. "Oh, it looks like I'm drowning? Nope, this is just how I swim. But thanks!")

"Okay, but I'm obviously not. How can I prove to you that I'm not? Provide me with advanced calculus and I can still answer it" (I never denied that I am a nerd)

"Nope, let's go"

The music is still blaring so I ask, "Can you and I talk rationally in a quieter location?"

"TIME TO GO, YOU'RE DRUNK." He's getting verbally aggressive, now.

My friends were all wanting to leave anyway, so they start tugging on my arm saying things like "let's just go" and "there's no point arguing."

He starts herding us out the door, and once we are outside the establishment doors I start up again.

"It just think that it's discriminatory to judge somebody visually by the way they are dancing!" (I am later told that I definitely overused the phrase "I just think")

"Well, visual judging is the best way we can judge"

"Fair enough, but it shouldn't be the sole way of telling if somebody is drunk! There should be a catch so that somebody who just dances differently doesn't get kicked out unfairly!"

I feel my voice start to go high and whiny, so I tried another route.

I say: "I'm being rational! I'm alert! I am kind of insulted! I'll do whatever physical or mental challenge! I'll seriously do advanced calculus! This is soooo ridiculous!!!"

I should have said: "I am rational, I am alert. I am treating you with respect. I realize you don't want to appear lenient, and we're leaving anyway, but I wish you would admit to an error in judgment." I then should also have asked for his name so that if, in the future, I wanted to formally complain, I'd have a name to refer to.

(Oh Retrospect, you're the smartest person I know)

I think I start mentioning something about "can I speak to management?" except then the guy starts motioning and all the other security people start coming towards me, plus there's a copper standing in the corner. I remember that I am signed in as a guest to some girl I don't at all know, and that if I somehow get into trouble that she will definitely get into trouble, so I allow my friends to finally pull me away.

It's just hilarious that of all people I would get picked out. My moral of the story is basically: "dance like everybody else, or else people will think you're drunk." I realize that as a private establishment they reserve the right to kick anybody out for no reason at all (right?). I still had a fantastic time. Stupid security.

I do still kind of want to complain, because despite the fact that our night wasn't ruined because we were getting ready to leave anyway, I still feel insulted. There is NO OTHER WAY to dance to Journey! I'd do it again! Show me any other way to dance to that song: there isn't one. Doooon't Stop! Belieeeeeevin!