Rules for Non-Single Girls

Hello, friends.

This post is written for anybody that's forgotten what it's like to be single.

In today's post I will cover some things that you really should ALREADY KNOW. Lucky for you (and any of your friends that are single) I am here to educate. So take a seat and have a learn.

There are three main things to NEVER ever say to a friend who happens to be single.

1. Aww honey, your time will come

Alright, for firsties? I am not honey. If I were edible, my main ingredient would not be sucrose based but probably something like sassafras (heavy on the sass, there), or a dangerously hot red chili pepper steak spice. Or like, ketchup. At sweetest I am a not-yet-ripe banana. So don't call me any of the following names: honey, hun, sugar, sweetheart, sweetie... don't call me baby or babe either, because I grew out of infancy when I was an infant.

Next, are you accusing me of impatience? Uh, because a) patience is the dumbest virtue ever and b) let me point out your qualifications for being the epitome of patient: oh, right. You got kicked out of Club Wait Your Turn. So hand over your membership card.

Finally, unless you are omnipotent and all knowing, stop talking down to me like you know more about the world. "oooooh my time WILL come! Thanks! Next question: will Bobby ask me to junior prom? PLEASE SAY YES"

2. You're just not putting yourself out there.

Don't even.

I don't want to be a "remember the episode of Sex and the City?" girl, but remember that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte decided she should go to a seminar on how to snag a man? And Charlotte stood up and asked a question, and the speaker was like "Perhaps you didn't put yourself out there emotionally" and Charlotte got kind of meek and sad and Carrie, bless her, who had been rolling her eyes the whole time just stood up (literally) for Charlotte and said "Believe me, she's out there"

I need you to be Carrie, not the lecturer.

(I can't really textually re-enact the scene for you, but it was intense. Darn it, youtube! you've let me down!)

Anyway, WHY would you try to shift the blame on to me? If I'm already all whiny and emotional what I do not need is to hear that it's my own damn fault that I'm single.

3. But you could have a boyfriend if you wanted to

So basically what you're telling me is to shut up and stop my whining? Plus, this isn't even whining, it's my way of expressing myself and my voice is just like that.

Also? Yeah, clearly. Anybody, absolutely anybody could have a boyfriend.

If you're horrendous in every way but are desperate enough that you'd even take Horny Henry? Then next thing we know Horny Henry's got some tail! And you've got the Syph!

Or hey, Bobby the Bruiser's back in the market after his last girlfriend filed a restraining order. He'll put his arm around you in a movie if you can handle the heat (if you know what I mean, WINK)

Or how about that one story about the guy who is perfect in many ways but Lisa, the one who is clearly not waiting AND not putting herself out there, shut the poor guy down because he wears classic cut jeans. Who the frick wears classic cut jeans?

I do not want to date boys with classic cut jeans. I do not want to date boys who reuse other people's jokes, or who think they're smarter than I am, or who pose suggestively with slutty girls in pictures I see when I stalk them on facebook. I do not like them short or fat, they must be this, they can't be that.

I feel like I might be writing a book called "Green Eggs and Ham 2: Sam I Am Tries EHarmony" but okay FINE, YES I COULD have a boyfriend. But not one that I actually like. I have high standards. Yes some standards are shallow, but I guess a few are noble. And no, I'm not making any attempts at getting over my shallow judgments.

CLASSIC CUT JEANS, PEOPLE.

Alright, so have you learned your lessons? Let's take a quiz

Question: I say "All the good ones are taken". What do you say?
Answer:
a) If they're still taken after they've met you, they're not "good", they're stupid!
b) No ring, fair game.
c) Have you still not learned your lesson to not go after the ones with girlfriends?

Correct answer: You need to say all three to me. They each contain such a good lesson!

Question: Let's say we're getting ready to go out one night. I say "I'm wearing this". What do you say?
a) Again?
b) Good choice. It suits your style perfectly.
c) You should probably show a bit more boob if you want any action. Where's your push up bra?

Correct Answer: If you're being honest, go for a). Because my retort to c is probably going to be "This is my push up bra", you should probably go for b.

Question: I say "I'm prettier than his girlfriend, right?". What do you say?
a) YES you are!
b) You are her level of prettiness squared!
c) Seriously Lisa? You are prettier, smarter, and better at sports. She's got nothing on you.

Correct Answer: All of them, in that order

How did you score on the pop quiz?