T calls me in for a chat

Hi, Lisa? Can you come into my room for a second?

I go into the room and Toni jumps on her bed, all bouncy like, and pats the spot in the bed next to her in the style of slumber party. After this I can only expect that we will be talking about how cute our mutual crush's new bowl cut is, how much grade four homework SUCKS, and what's the deal with shaving legs because during basketball practice we asked a girl in grade 6 who clearly knows her business and we need to digest all the information she gave us. Clearly the only way to do so is while painting our toe nails so, T, I'm looking around for the strawberry scented polish. Also Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding. Cool right? It's the year of Titanic but Leo isn't all that. Anyway Ton-ton this is what I'm expecting to happen. Because last time somebody slumber party patted the bed that is what happened. Because it was 1997. Tops.

I just wanted to talk about a couple of things. You've been having a lot of over night guests, first.

Where's the ouiji board? I know instantly that this isn't where I want to be. I want to leave like when you're in a meeting and you have to pee so hard that you can feel a pulse in your bladder?

Have I ever mentioned that the Tones is totally fug? Like, really really ugly. And for some people with say, terrible noses, at least they have a nice rest of their face. Or for ugly face people they can do their best by having nice hair or visible triceps, right? Toni, for that is her name, has no follicular or muscular redemption. What she does have is this tots annoying way of not pronouncing all her consonants and trailing off with certain vowel sounds so that one time I was about to go in the shower and she said "way, I have to pay" and I seriously didn't know what she was telling me. Turns out she wanted to use the toilet before I started showering. You know your larynx? It's useful, actually. Try it out, sometime.

Suddenly I desperately want to have this conversation. Like how the car crash videos on youtube are watched so much. That but with a teaspoon of malice.

Outload: Yeah, and you've brought this up before, remember? And we said that since when I signed the sublet you said you were totally okay with as many guests as I wanted, that it's not fair for you to make me feel bad about having friends over. It's really important that my friends always feel welcome in my house. When I signed the sublet I invited many people before your true colours were revealed, but since they've already been invited and had booked tickets, I couldn't cancel on them. Plus, I really want them to visit, and one of the reasons I chose this sublet was because I thought I could have friends over no problem. In addition, the two currently visiting are the last ones. They're not leaving early and since nobody else is coming anyway, I think this is a mute thing to be talking about.

Okay but also, sometimes you leave crumbs in the kitchen.

You know what you leave in the kitchen? HAIR. Everywhere. It's nasty, tonigirl. You're nasty. Your face is really oily. Also, crumbs? I don't think so. I occasionally leave dishes in the sink but since I'm the only one of us that eats, I didn't think that'd bother you too much. But gotta say, I don't leave crumbs. Seriously when have I ever left crumbs? I don't! You have bad skin!

Speaking of leaving hair places you also leave hair in the shower like I've never known. Also, on the floor, and the fucking MIRROR. Speaking of things you leave in the bathroom, YOUR UNDERWEAR. I guess you wash them with you in the shower (ew) or something but like 5 days a week I walk into the bathroom and there is wet underwear draped over the side of the bathtub. GRODY.

Outloud: Sure, I'll be more careful of my crumbs. While we're on the topic of things the other person does that bothers us. Think you can turn lights off and not let the shower run for 10 minutes before you get in? And not leave the AC on all day?

You.. you just, you have a LOT of over night guests.

Tones... first off seriously. It SUCKS that you're so ugly. I mean, truly, ugly. Ugg to the max, girl. You don't even have a nice hair colour, cut, or sheen! Sucks on the uggo-ness but at least salvage what you can and take a trip to a salon or something!

Outloud: Yeah, I do. We've been over this, I feel.

I think it's because I'm almost 25, and you're just 20! So since I live a more mature life than you, I guess I'm just trying to settle down. You don't have a boyfriend so maybe you don't understand. I just like to come home and settle in, you know?

Hmm. Remember that morning that I was getting up for a run and you were just coming home from partying? And those over two dozen days you said "did you go to work today? Because I skipped!" And how since you're always getting fired your dad pays your rent and for all your camera equipment because you're a wannabe film maker but even if you could hold a job it wouldn't pay enough for the rent because you're entirely undereducated which should cause a little more remorse, I should think. Side note does it suck to be stupid? Anyway, I'm not saying either lifestyle is superior, I just think that saying you lead a more "mature" lifestyle is a little silly. A little wrong. Also whats with the boyfriend jab? Maybs I'm overreacting here but I would just like you point out that your boyf is also fugly. Distorted facial features. At least he has an okay colour hair but seriously. Also he's really nice and you're a super bitch to him, picking fights all the time. Which makes me feel great because it proves that I'm not just a fight picker but that you in fact just love to argue! Listening to your logic when your argue with your boyfriend is downright hilare.

[Note. She is on the phone right now to apologize to her boyfriend for not wanting him to go our with his friends last night. Quote "do you hate me?" Seriously.] Also, your eyes are simultaneously sunken and bulgy. That's almost an achievement. You've accomplished familiarity to a dead bullfrog.

Outloud: Sounds good. So here are our action items. I'll be more careful with crumbs, and you try to remember to turn lights off and not let the shower run. Okay?

Case, Point, Match! Or whatever!

And now for you, good readers, a graph to illustrate (click to enlarge):