How to break up over email

Breaking up is never easy, I know. I know and ABBA knows. Everybody knows. It's common knowledge, really.

However, if I may, allow me to alter this truth that seems so universally acknowledged... breaking up can be easy! And you can do it! All you need for this session of "Tips with Lisa" is an internet connection and an email address. Yes! You guessed it, the easiest way to to break up is with an email!

Let me state my credentials. I am a personal recipient of this form of communication. Also, and in fact the prompt for this post stems from here, an entirely terrific friend of mine was also broken up with in this manner. Two is enough to see the patterns. Admittedly I have no experience in actually breaking up with somebody through email however suffice it to say that even an amateur can successfully do it after seeing two examples. Also, many people seem to find my blog by searching for electronic mail relationship ending techniques. I say, give the people what they want.

"How do I know if this lesson is right for me?" you are asking. Well answer these questions:
1. Am I in a relationship that I want to end?
2. Am I sensing that the other person is thinking of breaking it up, and so do I want to be the first do it? Am I desperate and running out of time? Do I suspect that the next time we see each other in person that s/he will cut the cord?
3. Do I want to insult the other person's entire being?
4. Do I mind giving him/her a really, really good list of things to make fun of me form?
5. Is it okay if every single one of our mutual friends will roll their eyes and say "through email? Lame, man"
6. Do I have poor grammar?
7. (Optional). Do you have jarring similarities to either this guy or this guy?

If you answered yes to all of these questions then email breaking up is for you. (Number 6 is strange but it seems to help with number 3, you'll see)

So the first thing you'll want to do is set the tone. There are two main groups of people here, the "quick and dirty" or "slow and awkward".

QaD people will want to start with lines like "Okay I don't have much time to write because I am already late for work but basically I think it would be best if we just be friends now." Even better is the one some US Senator received, that started "Well, as of this afternoon, I was planning on ruining your career by making phone calls to all my parents friends and have you blackballed from the workplace as well as every prestigious law school in the country. But then, lucky for you, I decided not to do that, because you're a sad, sad person, and I'll just let your life self-destruct right before my eyes." I'll call this QaD subgroup the "Quick and Dirty: with Spite" or QaD:wS

SaA people should select something more along the lines of "How we are acting is not love, it is not even life. I do not want to live that way, and I know you don't either." (SaA is particularly potent if you're not an expressive person to begin with).

Remember, throughout the email replace "you're" with "your", "lose" with "loose", "there" with "their" and so on. Bonus points for ending more than 5 verbs with "ign" instead of "ing".

The body of the email should consist of subtle, or for the bolder- not so subtle, indicators that you know what the other person feels. Use phrases such as "I think this is best for you", "You'll understand later", and "Your in New York and a boyfriend is probably the last of your worries right now". Bonus points for cryptically hypocritical phrases like "You are a great person, and I do wish that the urge to get to know you did consume me, but it didn't. In the end I guess you don't know me but I know you."

The body can go for as long as you wish. I think that unless you were purposely going for QaD route, that you go for as long as you can. Remember that the recipient has full right to forward this email to whomever s/he chooses, or even blog about it. Think of it this way: you're doing the world a favour by providing blog fodder!

End with a pithy cringe worthy statement. Be sure to assume the other person will be heart broken. The best I've seen is "Typing this message has made me feel the best that I have in a while, please write me back on your thought. (venting, swearing anything that would inspire me for a song) and I promise I will write a song for you on the new album" (Only works if you're in a band). Runners up include "Anyways I hope you understand and if you want you can write back, but if you don't want to I understand." (if only for using "understand" twice) or this probably-called-for little by-the-by: " By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class, you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate." (Source)

It is my most sincere hope that this resource can be used in assisting you in your next relationship termination. Let me know how it goes!