Being a Picky Eater

Alright I've rewritten the opening line to this post 800 times. Should I start "I am a picky eater" or "I am not really that picky, when you think about it" or "I am picky but not compared to some people" or "Okay there are lots of things I don't like but at least I always try to try new things" or "Shut up and stop serving me weird things".

I'm really not that picky, compared to some people, because I try to try new things. And put that sea cretin back in the water.

My mom is a delicious cook. However, we often would eat things that others have described as "bland". I guess that because my mom was cooking for such a large brood (I have 8 siblings), she knew that she had a greater chance of offending less taste buds if she excluded any potentially dislikable spices in the dish. For example: onions. We all hate onions. So say on meatloaf night, she'll make one with onions, and one without. When my brother was vegetarian for a spell, she'd have to cook 3 dishes: with onions, without onions, and without meat. Hassle and a half! Strike that, two whole hassles!

Whatever the reason- I was not introduced to anything other than traditional American (technically Canadian, if you're like that) home cooking (unless you count take out Chinese... or... pizza.) I used to HATE going to friends' houses for dinner because their parents would cook the weirdest things. Like CURRY. Or FISH. Or MASHED POTATOES MADE FROM POWDER AND WATER BROUGHT TO A SIMMER.

My improv camp is vegan. I had never looked at tofu before and suddenly I take a huge bite of "BLT" ... yeah, that B is not Bacon my friend. That B is "btofu" apparently.

Eating weird textures makes me dizzy. Like seriously light headed. Strange meats, of unknown origin, do the same. Cream sauces? Out. That includes vegetable dips, cream cheese, and the like. To be optimistic, I figure I must save a couple hundred calories per life time by not dipping my carrots in whatever that is. Any seafood is a giant no. I have a really good sense of smell, if I do say so myself. I can visit my home on a weekend and know if they've eaten salmon sandwiches in the past few days. That scent lingers, I tell you. Don't get me started on mayo. So DEFINITELY don't get me started on tuna fish salad. That stuff was made by the devil, I suspect.

So I've always been the pickiest eater I know. In first year university when I moved into residence I met people who were pickier than I. Okay HOLY COW why did nobody ever mention how unattractive picky eaters are? WHO DOESN'T LIKE PEROGIES. I want to slap them in the face because they've NEVER EVEN TRIIIIED THEM. I'll give myself that. I try things. A little nibble. Unless it's creamy, fishy, or from a suspicious animal. But I did try lamb once!

There was one girl in the residence who didn't like MOST VEGETABLES. Okay there is a different between "not liking" and "liking less than cake". Of course green beans are not as delicious as Ben and Jerry's New York Super fudge but sister, you need, I don't know. Vitamins? Nutrients? Something other that simple carbs? AND WHO DOESN'T LIKE CORN! (Editor's note: not liking Korn is okay) These girls would just eat TOAST, about 12 meals a week. Just buttered toast. Sometimes with honey- when they weren't dieting.

I am not nearly that bad. But seeing people that picky has strengthened my resolve to try absolutely everything instead of being way too grossed out to try. (Note: this excepts creaming things, fish, and suspicious meat.) I'm getting quite good. I only like about 50% of the things I try but I can't help it if the chef decided to wash all his vegetables in the red sea. (I don't like salt that much). I've even started finally liking red wine! I knew that one would come eventually!

When I am invited to somebody's place for dinner I usually tell them I am allergic to seafood when I accept the invite. It's just easier. However, when my boss invited me over for dinner I didn't mention the alleged allergy partially because I forgot and partially because I have vague recollections of telling him about how I lie to people (we had a 3 hour drive to Boston... and 3 hours back. A lot of things came up.)

So Gillian and I are at his place left temporarily alone in the living room while he and his attend to dinner. My nostrils flare.

Me: G... it's fish. You need to eat mine
G: It's not fish
Me: YES IT IS. Take it off my plate when they aren't looking
G: How do you even know?
Me: TRUST ME I KNOW EAT MINE
G: You're paranoi-

The wife enters the room and asks how well done we like our tune. I glare at G and she says "I think you like it well done, don't you Lisa?". This sounds like a good idea because the more cooked things are the better they taste- at least for me and meat. "Yes. Very well done, thanks," I muster.

Luckily the tuna is in a salad so I can kind of cherry pick my way around. However, since one was made specially well done for me, I need to eat at least some. I do. I ate fish. I washed it down with delicious potatoes and beans etc, and plenty of red wine. And water. There was a lot of washing down. But tuna entered my mouth, and got swallowed. Yes, my throat closed a little and my vision went slightly blurred. But I did it! I ATE TUNA.

I'm rather proud of myself. I would never do it again. I felt like a feline. Only cats should eat tuna.

Anyway, what's the weirdest thing you have an aversion to?